Palestinian history (if we're to believe Palestinians)
1,000,000 BCE:
The first Palestinian emerges from the sea.
20,000 BCE:
Early Palestinians learn how to make fire.
“We make state now?”
“Not yet.”
10,000 BCE:
Early Palestinians invent the wheel.
“We make state now?”
“Not yet.”
3760 BCE:
“Let there be light!”
“We make state now?”
“Not yet.”
1738 BCE:
Hi, I’m Abraham. This is my son Ishmael. No one else is important.
“We should get around to making that Palestinian state now.”
“Hold on, gotta buy a plot for my wife first.”
1568 BCE:
Some Jews show up in Egypt, eat, get rich, become illegal settlers.
“Now that the Jews aren’t in Canaan, let’s start that Palestinian state!”
“Not feeling it’s the right time.”
1522 BCE:
The illegal Jewish settler Joseph dies in Egypt; commence slavery.
“Palestinian state now?”
“Nah.”
1312 BCE:
Illegal Jewish Zionist settlers kicked out of Egypt for being too plaguey. Receive Torah, start Talmudic rituals.
“That window to start a Palestinian state is closing!”
“We don’t need one.”
1272 BCE:
Zionist settler leader Joshua brings Jews to Palestine and genocides everyone.
“Let’s hold off on that Palestinian state.”
879 BCE:
Zionists create a kingdom. Saul becomes king.
“Damn it! The Jews started their own state! We shouldn’t have procrastinated!”
877 BCE:
Zionists murder Goliath (who is now posthumously a pregnant journalist).
– Ancient Mesopotamia threatens to recognize a Palestinian state.
827 BCE:
Zionists occupy al-Aqsa, build a Temple.
“We should have built that Palestinian state by now.”
586 BCE:
Babylonians remove Zionists from the river to the sea.
“OK, now let’s start that Palestinian state!”
538 BCE:
Cyrus the Zionist-lover tells Jews to reoccupy al-Aqsa.
“Guess it’s not the right time for that Palestinian state again.”
516 BCE:
Zionists build another Temple on al-Aqsa.
– Ancient China condemns the Jews, demands Palestinian state.
332 BCE:
Alexander the Great conquers Palestine, henceforth considered indigenous Palestinian.
“Now we have a Palestinian state!”
“Uh, no, it’s Macedonian-occupied.”
167 BCE:
Hanukkah never happens.
37 BCE:
Herod the Palestinian renovates al-Aqsa.
4 BCE:
Palestinian Jesus!
66 CE:
Zionists occupy indigenous Palestinian Romans.
70 CE:
Ayatollah Titus claims victory over the Zionists.
132 CE:
Zionist extremist Bar Kokhba attempts genocide.
Palestine named Palestine by indigenous Palestinian Romans for shits and giggles.
“Still no Palestinian state, by the way.”
400 CE:
Byzantines (aka indigenous Palestinians) build churches.
638 CE:
Caliph Umar rules al-Aqsa. Jews and Muslims are happy and no Jews are slaughtered at all.
691 CE:
The Dome of the Rock becomes the first thing ever built on the Temple Mount (pay no attention to 827 BCE or 516 BCE above).
“Palestinian state now?”
“Nope.”
700–900 CE:
Zionists occupy Jerusalem and Tiberias, learn Talmudic rituals.
1099 CE:
Christians get rid of pesky Zionists. Totally BFFs with Muslims. Only a few thousand massacred.
1187 CE:
Saladin gets rid of pesky Christians. Jews tolerated if they pay a fee. Still no Palestinian state.
1260 CE:
Indigenous Palestinian Mamluks free Palestine. Zionists occupy Jerusalem, Safed, Hebron, and Gaza.
1517 CE:
Indigenous Palestinian Ottoman Turks free Palestine. Zionists really get into practicing Talmudic rituals in Safed.
1799 CE:
Napoleon the Zionist occupies Acre, tells Zionists to resettle. Doesn’t.
1882 CE:
First Jews ever settle in Palestine from Russia or something. Never mind everything mentioned up to this point.
Still no Palestinian state.
1929 CE:
Absolutely nothing happens in Hebron.
1937 CE:
Arabs, finally offered a Palestinian state on a silver platter. Arabs: “Nope. General strike!”
1933–1945 CE:
Jews once again show up out of nowhere from Europe — apparently something happened there that we can’t independently verify.
1947 CE:
The UN offers the Arabs a Palestinian state.
“We should probably take this one. It’ll save a huge headache in the future.”
“Nah, we’ll be fine.”
1948 CE:
Jews establish a…
“ATTACK!”
1949–1967 CE:
“OK, we lost badly. We should have probably accepted that Arab state that was offered to us multiple times.”
“Well, why doesn’t Jordan annex this area west of the bank of the Jordan River (we’ll give it a name later) and Egypt annex this strip of land over here?”
“Nah. We have Jews to annihilate. Call Mr. Nasser.”
1967 CE:
“Oh jeez. We lost all of Sinai AND all those territories. AND Jerusalem. And how long did it take them? Just under a week, eh?”
“Told you we should have established that state.”
1993 CE:
Palestinian state now?
“No.”
2000 CE:
How about now?
“No. Let’s intifada instead.”
2005 CE:
"The Jews just up and left Gaza! Let's build a paradise!"
"Why don't we put Suicide Bombers Inc. in charge instead?"
2008 CE:
Now?
“No.”
2009 CE:
“I have an idea. Let’s fire rockets randomly at Jewish towns.”
2012 CE:
“How about more rockets?”
2014 CE:
“More rockets?”
2019 CE:
“Rockets? We can do flaming condoms too now!”
2023 CE:
“OK, I have a crazy idea.”
2024 CE:
“Well, fuck.”